a maker reborn

forgive me for getting personal [but brook said it was okay. right?]. i am sharing a post i wrote in the fall, shortly after i started attending the nutrition classes with cali:

this is not one of those cute, short posts. this is a post about how i became lost and then found. it is really two stories, but here they are, side by side, because you cannot understand one without understanding the other.

chapter one: getting lost

it happened so gradually that i almost didn't notice. if i had to pinpoint a starting time, i'd say it was right after lucas was born. i had a lot of stress at home, although i don't think i'll ever know what caused what, but these are the stresses i dealt with:

1) lucas cried all. the. time. not an exaggeration. he pooped blood and every time i'd change his diaper all the skin on his bottom would peel off. i finally got on a strict diet, avoiding certain problem foods. that helped a lot. only, when he started eating solid foods he got sick again. and then sicker. he started fainting. failure to thrive. trips to primary children's hospital. shingles. scopes. biopsies.

blood transfusions. in the room with mothers of bald-headed babies receiving chemotherapy.

only a mother of a sick child will understand what it means to bargain with the lord.

i bargained.

and he got better, mostly. i love that little destructive 4-year-old like nothing else.

2) my brother steven was living with us, failing at overcoming a drug addiction. i worried obsessively about him. i was a witness and an enabler in his slow suicide. he ripped the shower curtain down in my bathroom one night when he fell over in the shower. i had to pop the lock and help him stand up. then i watched his naked body twitching all the way down to his room.

i didn't sleep for two nights. my hair did not grow for 3 months.

3) mr. coleman. what more can i write without feeling like i am also betraying him in public? it was hard. it is hard. the hardest thing in my life. also, the most tender and rewarding. i have stayed because the lord keeps his promises and he promised me it would be worth it. period.

so. i started feeling tired a lot. i didn't want to start any more projects. my running pace slowed. i stopped volunteering at my kids' school. i did less with my church callings, even though this caused me a lot of guilt and shame. i would get sick and then stay sick for weeks.

through all this, life still had it's beautiful, magical moments and i did feel happy. content. but too tired to do anything about it.

and then.

i stopped going out. no amount of will power could force my body to run anymore. i felt like i had weights attached to all my limbs. i would look at projects i'd done in the past and think, "i will never have enough energy to do anything like that again." emma came home from school one day with a picture of me "doing my favorite thing"—laying on the couch. i got sick in september this year and stayed sick for 5 weeks.

then i lost my desire to read.

when that happened, i knew i did not want to live like this anymore. i went to the doctor for some tests. when i called and learned that the results were all "perfectly normal" i knew it would be up to me to heal myself.

chapter two: i am reborn

i changed my eating habits, which were already relatively healthy. i was already having a green smoothie every morning, and cooking most things from scratch, but my suffering had been intense enough that i was ready for a more radical approach. i attended a nutrition class. ate more raw foods. a lot more raw foods. my goal: 51% raw, living food. cleansed with the help of this incredible book. juice fasted. eliminated sugar.

no. sugar. i know. but i do have agave nectar, maple syrup, and raw honey, so life is just as sweet as before.

i already mentioned in a previous post that i am attending the temple once a week.

i started taking an herbal supplement called maca root. studies have shown that it can help normalize hormones, help with fatigue and increase libido.

things changed pretty much overnight. i can't say what one thing helped, but i like to think it's a combination of everything i'm doing. my skin cleared. all traces of adult acne were gone until last week when i ate some of my kids' halloween candy. woops. back on the wagon.

for the first time in years (years!) i feel energized—like i've emerged from a deep, dark fog, a dormant seed finally sprouting after a long, cold winter. sometimes i can feel myself vibrating inside. almost to the point of being crazed, but a happy, creative, crazy place. i like it.

i am a maker again. i have rediscovered the JOY of creation. in the past 5 weeks i have:

sewn a quilt top (for you, anna!)

finished outlining the new ending of my novel and written 20,000 words

designed notes for the kids' lunches

harvested all the tomatoes and herbs from my garden

sewn a halloween costume

designed a new drop cap and layout for the poem "forgiveness flour"

sewn an apron

created some art for my bedroom out of japanese masking tape

learned how to sprout

designed 2 blog banners

designed about 8 projects for colemanxcavation (but who's counting?)

sewn a skirt

taught a class about sewing skirts

repainted and redesigned emma's room (just waiting on mr. coleman to do a few things and then i can't wait to

post the details here! so fun. and lots of original artwork by both me and emma, plus a magical butterfly

installation)

i am alive. i am growing and creating. i have reunited with myself.

hello, self! remember me? i am a maker reborn.