no matter, try again

image by cindy ferguson.


Doors closing.

Windows opening.


Today, as I was bringing in my 20 pounds of raw honey the irony of our past fast food ownership struck me again.

. . .and then I saw this lovely picture today.

A picture with a quote full of meaning for me:

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."--Samuel Beckett

Here are the thoughts I wrote about it last year.

J.K. Rowling: "Fringe Benefits of Failure":

"So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned."

A dear friend asked me yesterday if we would do it again (open the restaurant) if we could go back. It was a tougher question to answer than I thought. Financially, of course we would never do it again. Sometimes we dream of going back in time: never opening EZ-Out, selling all our investment properties at the high, paying off our house, and living debt free and comfortable. But I wonder if I went back and didn't support that dream how our life would be now. Who knows, maybe really, really fantastic:).

At times I have thought we were weak for failing. I have been embarrassed and cringe when I drive by our empty restaurant. When Tim brought home IN-N-OUT from the American Fork store disappointment and french fry grease sat heavy in my stomach. The repercussions have been difficult and will continue to be.

and yet. . .

there has been a stripping away of the inessentials in my life. I have very purposefully focused on a few key areas. "I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged." For me that has not been behind a typewriter. It has been on my knees again and again.

and what have I discovered?

I am stronger than I thought. My friends are indeed priceless. I know what I value above anything else.

Perhaps only those who know how to deal failing can one day fail better (I'll let you know when we get there).

Maggie Stievfater has one of the best articles about how to become great--she says, "Its about being willing to suck." Read the whole post--but just in case you don't. . .

"And it made me think about how this is like writing, like art, like pretty much everything worth doing. So many times I have tried to teach art or music to someone and they will give up right away when they realize that they are not instantly good at it. It takes practice, yes, and most people get that. What they don't seem to understand is that it also takes the ability to deal with your own sucking. Because what comes out of those practices -- those early manuscripts, those wretched sketches, that horrible tune -- will not look wonderful. You might not even be able to tell a difference from one practice session to another. For months. You have to live with that.

So that's the real reason of why I can play so many musical instruments. I am willing to live with myself while I do things badly, and I'm willing to do things badly again and again. I don't get frustrated when things don't turn out well; I'm a patient creature, and I know what the other side will look like. I can live with the suck."

Today these thoughts had new meaning for me. The window of vibrant health would not have been opened if the doors of EZ-Out had not closed. One cannot blog about the horrors of fast food and pray for higher sales of a very certain hamburger place (although a very good one, I will admit).

It reminded me of this quote from Robyn Openshaw:

"As I watched Samantha’s video [a young mother, chosen for the Green Smoothie Girl Makeover], I wrote in my notes, “She reminds me of me. When I was her age.” Very ill. So tired of drugging my babies and watching them struggle. Desperate for something else, something better than drugs and fatigue.

What a crucible for powerful change that awful place in my life turned out to be. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we climb out."


. . .and for six months I have been willing to "live with the suck" in my kitchen. My family has been patient as I add or remove foods and test creation after creation. But I feel like I've made a break through. I still have a lot to learn and refine and figure out where we will "land" with our foods. But I feel like we will make it.


Because I am frequently asked, I have been thinking for over a month what my "best" advice to someone looking to create a new Food Tradition in their home. I've thought of a handful.
Learn to listen to your body.
Pray.
Read labels.
Whatever hard thing has motivated you to change--view it as a blessing that led you to a new place.
Be patient with yourself and live through the suck, because playing the bagpipes or making fresh juice is worth it.